I think I threw out my back. It's not in any of the places I normally put it. I tried under the bed, below my shoulders, next to the cat box, in the mail slot, under the table, inside the blender, over the doorway, and behind the drapes.
It's really unfair that I would lose it right now. Were it not for this persnickety back, I could be playing soccer right now. Instead, I am forced to sit here at the apartment and clean up the red trails of blood and organs I've been dripping down the hallways and through the various rooms.
As much as I hate to admit it, it looks like I might have to go rooting through the garbage to see if I can find some trace of it.
If anyone happens to come across a badly sunburnt white back with damaged lateral muscles, please mail it to me, or contact me via this website. Comments may be posted below under "Writeback."