Are Constant Ninja Raids Keeping You Away From Your Life?

 

Face it, Ninjas have become a fact of life in modern households. Since the late ninties, Ninja strike teams have been raiding homes without warning, from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and everywhere in between. Old ladies fear for their lives while sitting at home. Old men shudder with fear at any sound of breaking glass. At any moment, you or I could be attacked by a rampaging horde of deadly Japanese assasins. Where will these denizens of darkness strike next? Who will next fall prey to their insatiable urges? What can you do to keep wave after wave of sword weilding Ninjas out of your domocile?

When was the last time you and your family were able to enjoy a nice meal together without a band of Ninjas crashing through the kitchen windows and attacking mom? How many stitches did dad require after the last time he put down a Ninja invasion? Sure, hidden arrow launchers, concealed floor pits full of spikes, and secret weapon stashes help when the Ninjas are already inside, but they only prolong the problem. Angry Ninjas that survive your defense will inevitably return with more of their clan-mates, and seek revenge for their fallen commrades. And all that blood that sprays from the writhing bodies of your victims makes for an awful mess! What's a family to do?

 

You Need Ninja-Be-Gone™

Ninja-Be-Gone is the only surefire way to protect your home and your family from the practicioners of Ninjitsu who plague our world. It is 100% guarenteed to prevent any and all Ninja raids. Thanks to our patented Kill-Sake™ chemical process, Ninja-Be-Gone™ is formulated to kill Ninjas on contact, and to continue to kill them for two weeks.

Spray Ninja-Be-Gone™ on the cracks and crevices along your wainscotting, and around the edges of windows. Scout Ninjas, scoping out your home for their clans, will unwittingly pick up the Ninja-Be-Gone™ on their black clothing, and then carry it back to the hives, where it will kill the whole family. Rival clans will pick up the Ninja-Be-Gone™ when they raid the infected hive, and in turn, they will carry it back to their own hives. Ninja-Be-Gone™ will bring a rain of death and destruction down upon the heads of all Ninja who would do you harm.

 

How it works:

Ninja-Be-Gone™ is specially formulated to adhear to Ninja-like substances, and to seep into the skin of any actual Ninjas with which it comes in contact. To better explain how it works, we've broken the process down into three steps:

  1. Identify: Ninja-Be-Gone™ is laboratory designed to seek out the brain cells, neurons, and molecules that come with being a Ninja. This ensures that Ninja-Be-Gone is able to find Ninjas who are masquerading as normal people. Ninja-Be-Gone™ is actually atracted by the brain structure that accompanies the learning of Ninja skills.* Ninja-Be-Gone™ also bonds with all Ninja-related ephemera as well, such as nunchuks, throwing stars, black hoods, split-toed sandles, katanas, and Ninja-burger nametags.*
  2. Rectify: Ninja-Be-Gone™ is ultra formulated to replace all damaged, misplaced, and broken items relating to a Ninja attack. With only one spray to the surface of an aflicted item, Ninja-Be-Gone™ will wash away all traces of sprayed blood, shattered glass, or splinters resulting from a throwing star impact.**
  3. Curcify: Ninja-Be-Gone™ not only kills Ninjas, it tortures them by nailing them to whatever surfaces happen to be near-by. Any Ninja exposed to Ninja-Be-Gone™ will immediately be fastened to the floor, wall, or roof of their current location, and kept there in agony until he or she dies of starvation.

Ninja-Be-Gone™, Kills Ninjas So You Don't Have To

 

*Ninja-Be-Gone™ should not be used in areas in which omiscient persons may be present. Comprehension of all knowledge in the universe ensures that Ninja-Be-Gone™ will be atracted to the portions of the brain in which the omniscient person holds their Ninja knowledge. If you are omniscient and require Ninja-Be-Gone™, it is recommended that you get a lobotomy.

**Ninja-Be-Gone™ does not actually do any of this. Any damage to your home resulting from a Ninja invasion is not covered by the Ninja-Be-Gone™ guarantee, nor are any losses of life, property, or blood. This means that we're basically lying to you up there, but since most people never read the fine print, we can always get out of any court cases sscott free.***

***Just who is this Scott Free person, anyway? We've never met him. He must be a Ninja, cause he never came to our office after we called him a pansy-ass nancy boy. Incidentally, it goes without saying that Ninjas should not purchase Ninja-Be-Gone™, and they damn sure shouldn't spray themselves in the face with it. But if they do, mores the better for us! That's one less Ninja to deal with, and obviously, it's one less dumb Ninja. But then, most Ninjas are fairly dumb anyway. Did you get that press release? Most of ours were eaten by some meaty dude with no skin. Oh, yeah, if your offended by our product's crucifixion of Ninjas, then go fuck yourself.